Once upon a time, there was a woman named Doo-you living in New York. She used to work at a cosmetics company, five days a week from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening. She thought her life was very much stable and was satisfied with it before a typical incident that changed her life... She now had grandsons and granddaughters, and she starts to tell them that story, the worst experience in her life that she can never forget.
Once upon a time, there was a man living in New York. He worked at an insurance company which was 3 stories under Doo-you's cosmetic company, five days a week from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening so two met every day on the elevator. One day, as he was typing on his laptop, it suddenly occurred to him that his hands were grotesque. The end of his arms was divided into five lanky, ugly, pieces that could move separately. He immediately felt disgusted at this weird part of him.
Once upon a time, there was a man living in New York. He worked at an insurance company which was 3 stories under Doo-you's cosmetic company, five days a week from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening so two met every day on the elevator. One day, as he was typing on his laptop, it suddenly occurred to him that his hands were grotesque. The end of his arms was divided into five lanky, ugly, pieces that could move separately. He immediately felt disgusted at this weird part of him.
At first, he thought that the whole thing was a dream. He slapped and pinched himself muttering that this was a dream. However, nothing changed. After few hours of panic and staring, he decided to face it. “I have hands!”, he thought. These hands were what made him work 5 days a week from 6 to 9 at an insurance company.
He finally realized that hands are the most important part of our body. After some considerations, he stopped working at an insurance company. He purchased a ticket to Africa. After some immigration process, he became a doctor who cures refugees who are victims of the wars and battles. Curing countless patients, he came to realize that the problem will never be fixed unless he stops the war. So he decided to become a war leader who fights for the weak ones by using my grotesque arms which once annoyed me. Preparing for the war, I came to discover that my arm was an alien laser cannon which can destroy enemies.
"So then", Doo-you said to her grandchildren, "I noticed something weird, since the man whom I always met on her way to work disappeared. I was worried about the man, so I asked the man’s co-workers and learned that the man just quit work after announcing that he had got “hands”, and that he must do something meaningful with them."
"WHAT?" her grandchildren yelled.
"Yah yah I thought like that too. Was he insane? Doesn’t he know that anthropoids are born with fingers? Still, I was kind of worried that he will bring incidents to the city. No, no. That mustn’t happen. My life was perfect. Nothing must interfere with my perfect life. Just listen to what happened next."
"WHAT?" her grandchildren yelled.
"Yah yah I thought like that too. Was he insane? Doesn’t he know that anthropoids are born with fingers? Still, I was kind of worried that he will bring incidents to the city. No, no. That mustn’t happen. My life was perfect. Nothing must interfere with my perfect life. Just listen to what happened next."
At the same time, he realized that the real arm was invisible and the visible arm was alien laser cannon. Thus, my hands which allowed me to work 5 days a week from 6 to 9 were “invisible hands.” These “invisible hands” led to a high productivity of me. He wanted to learn more about economics. He took an airplane to visit the best economist in the world.
"I tried to look for the man and stop him from doing whatever he was trying to do," added Doo-you. "I seriously didn't want changes in my life."
"So, did you stop that man, nanny?" said the grandchildren.
"Well, it was difficult for me trying to find him since I only knew his face. But, in spite of my efforts, I met him in the street, heading towards the airport. Oh, he's leaving the city? Then he will not affect my life! Well, I thought like that then. So I believed I can now forget all about it and get back to my ordinary, happy life." said Doo-you. "But, the world was small than how I thought it to be, and that man ruined my whole life."
On the airplane, a young passenger sitting next to the man was reading an economics book on the theory of invisible hand. The man asked if he could borrow the book, and started to read it. However, as he reached out to turn the page, he realized that he could not turn the pages with his alien laser cannon. Frustrated, he held up the book and shook the pages with all his might. This was not a wise decision; his alien laser arm let out a bomb, and the whole airplane crashed into the ocean. The evening news reported the most grotesque scenes of the crash, and a reporter kindly mentioned that the plane crash had killed more people than the number of refugees that the man had saved.
"I was driving to my workplace as usual," said Doo-you, "and that was when I heard about the awful accident in the airplane from the radio. I couldn't even breathe. That airplane was where my husband was riding, to get to London for his business. And the last word I said to him was 'Buy some elegance clothes for me!' I was such a fool..."
Silence filled the room. The children could see Doo-you's eyes filling with tears.
"I'm okay kids, I'm okay. Still, I hoped you would think of the anniversary of the death of your grandfather and remember how nice man he was. He was such a proud husband, and must have been the best grandfather for you guys.""I hate that insane man who was surprised with his own fingers." her granddaughter mumbled after a while."
"Even I know that anthropoids have 5 fingers!" her grandson yelled out, and all, including Doo-you burst out laughing.
*The blue part is the original relay essay from Hajin's blog, which I change slightly, and the black part is the part that I added to make it into a metafiction.
The bedtime story approach can work sometimes, but very rarely is the chainwriting material ideal for that. You and another student made the same error in trying to work with poor material that ends up unclear and bizarre without much of a chance at succeeding as "literature." The first part of this man with existential dilemma towards "his" hands (not "my" as you can see shifts in the narrative - a big problem) is actually pretty good. It starts out well. Then this stuff about canons and planes crashing - that's when it falls apart and the chainwriting turns juvenile (I told you guys NOT to mess these up, but someone did). So the trick is to choose wisely and write wisely, and you weren't quite able to achieve either of these, which makes writing something worth reading to the end very challenging. So yes, I'm being mean with my feedback, but I have to be. There might be something in here, a satirical bit of writing that pokes fun at a grandfather, but it has to be set up more clearly and less abruptly (intro barely achieves that this is a grandmother in bed with grankids - just sort of drops it there in one sentence). So not bad, but not good either. I think if you had had someone read this ahead of time they would have told you it makes 60% sense. 100% is your goal, and you guys had weeks to do this. IN the future, plan more.
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